Bikini Zone Only: Violators Will Be Toed


I have this beautiful, glamorous Eres one piece and I can't wear it. Do you know why? Because every anatomical feature of a certain desert mammal, and the fact that the fabric is WHITE sure doesn't help. Do you know what does help? Having a pageant queen friend. Do you know what pageant queens have to do all the time? Disguise their camel toes. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such good fortune. I feel like that teenager who knows what sex is like before the rest of their friends do. So how do you tackle the infuriating camel toe? Keep reading and find out.

Option 1: Take Your Garment to an Alterations Specialist

 If you have the time, take your swimsuit to a good tailor. As Nina Garcia advises in The Little Black Book of Style, "Find a good tailor. Make friends with him. Buy him gifts during the holidays. Ask him about his family. Compliment him on his work. Tip him well. A good tailor is one of the most important people in your life." See, the reason you and everyone else can see the intimate folds of your labia is because there is enough fabric to cover every intimate fold of your labia. Think about the mono-boob created by the sports bra, or that too-tight dress; that's actually what you want going on in your bikini zone. Chances are, you just need to have the crotch of the suit narrowed a little, and your lips will sit snug as a bug in a rug. 

Option 2: The Cuchini

My beauty queen consultant swears by it, and now so do I. It's flesh colored and padded to smooth out that area, and can be held in place using adhesive. Going for a swim? Make sure to find some waterproof garment tape to hold it in place, and test it on an area nobody's going to see first. You're welcome.

Option 3: The Big Band-Aid

You're out at the beach, or the pool, or a hotel, or a cruise, or a yoga class with with a hot Fabio and you realize for the first time today that you've got some major camel toe going on. "Beyonce almighty!" you think to yourself (unless you're me, in which case you probably shout it). Find the nearest convenience store or lifeguard if you're really feeling bold, and get your grubby little hands on a big ol' bandaid. Put it on hotdog, not hamburger, from front to back and VOILA. Camel toe be gone!