How My IUD Appointment Could Have Been Way Less Terrifying


FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS, MY CHANCES OF BIRTHING AN ACCIDENTAL BABY WILL BE ZERO!* In six months, my period will GO AWAY! I’ll stop bleeding! I won’t gain a metric fuck-ton trying to make this happen! I won’t have to pray & pee bc my WONKY OVARIES don’t SHOOT OUT EGGS on a 28-day cycle!

Getting it inserted was an overall terrible experience/the only time two to three minutes ever seemed so excruciating besides the time I squeezed out a poop with a girth larger than a cricket bat (EAT YOUR VEGGIES AND NEVER LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU), but I definitely think it's worth it in the long run.

There are a few things about having an IUD put in that I totally wish somebody had told me beforehand: 

  1. Make SURE you take the medicine your doctor prescribes  to dilate your cervix. I didn’t. Apparently, only 5 percent of women are supposed to feel moderate to severe pain. Do this and you probably won’t be one of them.
  2. Load up on ibuprofen. Maybe mix a healthy serving of that shit in with some granola and sprinkle a little BC Powder on top for good measure.
  3. Know the location of the nearest ice cream shop and/or bar to your OB-GYN.
  4. Schedule your appointment immediately preceding happy hour @ aforementioned bar.
  5. Bring one (1) panty liner.
  6. The IUD will not just slip into place with the moderate discomfort of a super+ tampon on a light flow day.
  7. Instead, this happens: The doctor sticks some nifty little gadgets up your vagina. It feels like a regular ol' Pap smear at this point. Your insides are sanitized and your cervix is sprayed with numbing spray. You're pretty sure you've got this. She measures your uterus and says something like, "We want to make sure it doesn't poke through or anything!" You're told you'll feel some cramping. FUCK/SHIT/WOW, NO KIDDING. You're told you'll experience the cramping a second time; you are no more prepared for it. You try to fathom the pain of childbirth. You fail. You begin to think maybe you don't got this. Suddenly, to your great releif, the doctor tells you that the worst is over. You're all, "PHEW!" but then she's all, "Just gotta wait for your insides to relax," and you're all, "?????" bc APPARENTLY she can't pull out those gadgets and gizmos aplenty until this happens. You struggle to maintain a calm exterior. Eventually, she's satisfied with the relaxation of your ladybits and removes the thingamabobs from your vagina. It's over.

  8. You should PROBABLY bring a best friend. Somebody you trust. Somebody good at creating distractions/hand holding/breathing who isn't putting their penis inside of you because you might say really, really mean things that you don't actually mean, but that your vagina definitely does.

  9. You might be sore the rest of the day. You might be fine as soon as it's over. You should still prepare for the worst.

  10. It's 100 percent worth it.

 *Almost zero!

Originally posted by the author of FFF on (March 18, 2015). Edited by the author for content and grammatical corrections.