Steal-of-the-Century Purchase is so Good it still Feels like Stealing.

I cannot BELIEEEEEVE what just happened. I went into Goodwill after donating a Santa-sized sack of clothing and WHAT DO I FIND BUT A BEAUTIFUL DESIGNER PURSE STUFFED AWAY BEHIND SOME TACKY HANDBAGS. Now, this Goodwill is a little hip and with it, ok? They're on the swanky side of town and they know that people drop off some good duds. I know they know because they charge more for those duds. They'll charge $19.99 for a Coach bag (still a steal) and $14.99 for a Liz Claiborne bag. BUT THEY ARE BLITHELY UNAWARE THAT A SALVATORE FERRAGAMO BAG RETAILS FOR A GODDAMN G, Y'ALL. A GODDDAMN G. 

Now, I'm lookin this bag up and down. Is it severely damaged?  What's the leather FEEL like? What's the interior made out of? Is there an ID number? Does the zipper look cheap? Is the name spelled correctly? The bag passes inspection. It's black, slick, and made of stiff leather, with the signature buckle on the front. It's lost a little shape and has a scuff on the back, but is otherwise in perfect condition. I look for the ziptie with the price written on it (standard for designer duds at Goodwill) but there is no ziptie, Y'ALL. There's a little red tag. "Holy s***balls and spaghetti!" I think to myself. "There's no way they don't realize this bag is worth a fortune."

I stop oggling the purse. They can't know this bag is worth more than literally EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE STORE, and I'm low key tweaking out keeping that informatiom to myself. I felt that rush that shoplifters get and I was in line to PAY for the bag! After waiting an eternity, the lady at the counter takes the bag, peeks inside, and goes, "Oh, that's a cute purse." My greedy shoulder angel is like, "PLAY IT DOWN, GIRL. PLAY. IT. DOWN." I say some wishy-washy 'oh yes just a nice little black purse nothing to see here' when the moment of truth comes.

"That'll be $5.29, would you like to donate the extra penny to round up to thirty cents?" 

"Sure. I'll donate a penny." 

Then I twirled the bag above my head, shouted obsenities and finger gunned a couple rounds into the air before blowing out imaginary smoke, all while my mouth said on full autopilot, "Sure, that's fine. Have a great day!"

 

How to Live Your Classy AF Mermaid Life

I have seen so many fantastic posts about must-have mermaid-themed accessories and home decorations, but I have yet to see one that focuses on the more ~subtle~ and ~sophisticated~ side of the trend. So I wrote it myself. Here are my favorite mermaid-tastic accessories.

1. This Jade Coral Necklace from BaubleBar, $42

2. These Shimmery Seahorse Sandals from Jeffrey Campbell, $105

3. This Phone Case with a Hint of Fin from CRCases, $11.90

4. These Scalloped Fishy Fin Shorts from Lilly Pullitzer, $68

 
 

5. An Abalone Shell Clutch from Angimahinasyonnicaca, $120.

6. These Majestic Mermaid Leggings from Lotus Leggings, $28.

  Lotus Leggings Facebook page

Lotus Leggings Facebook page

7. A Easy-Peasy, Sea-Inspired Manicure by Compulsive Nails, $10.

Now get on with your classy mermaid selves!

Avoiding a Quarter-Life Fashion Crisis

So you're twenty-something years old just like 25 million Americans also happen to be, and if you're also anything like me, you are having a VERY hard time dressing like an adult while still maintaining your ~youthful vibes~. I have a lot of gorgeous dresses that friends have passed my way, and all of a sudden I realized yesterday that everything I own is...conservative. It's not form-fitting, or it's got long sleeves, or it's cocktail-dress-you-can-meet-your-partner's-grandma-in appropriate, and it's a lovely dress, really, but you just feel as though you're dressing like you're thirty-four and not twenty-four. Honey, I feel you, and I'm here to share with you the epiphany I had last night: there are only two things to spice up any outfit. They are:

1. A Pair of Big, Bold Earrings.

Add some punch to your outfit by donning a pair of earrings that shout, "I am a bold bitch and I am here to party!" Nobody will even think to assume that you only paint your face with foundation once a week and spend the rest of your waking post-work-day hours sitting on the couch in smelly pajamas completely sober. Here are our favorites and click-links to purchase, because duh.

2. A Pair of Party Shoes

If you've been looking for an excuse to go shoe shopping, HERE IT IS! By order of the Fab Feminist, I hereby grant you permission to swipe and buy. Killer shoes are my favorite way to liven up any outfit. Strappy designs, metallics, bright colors, and animal prints are your ticket to fierce feet, and although there's nothing in this world I love more than a pair of six inch heels, I've included a few flats for our more practical fab readers.

Bikini Zone Only: Violators Will Be Toed

 
 

I have this beautiful, glamorous Eres one piece and I can't wear it. Do you know why? Because every anatomical feature of a certain desert mammal, and the fact that the fabric is WHITE sure doesn't help. Do you know what does help? Having a pageant queen friend. Do you know what pageant queens have to do all the time? Disguise their camel toes. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such good fortune. I feel like that teenager who knows what sex is like before the rest of their friends do. So how do you tackle the infuriating camel toe? Keep reading and find out.

Option 1: Take Your Garment to an Alterations Specialist

 If you have the time, take your swimsuit to a good tailor. As Nina Garcia advises in The Little Black Book of Style, "Find a good tailor. Make friends with him. Buy him gifts during the holidays. Ask him about his family. Compliment him on his work. Tip him well. A good tailor is one of the most important people in your life." See, the reason you and everyone else can see the intimate folds of your labia is because there is enough fabric to cover every intimate fold of your labia. Think about the mono-boob created by the sports bra, or that too-tight dress; that's actually what you want going on in your bikini zone. Chances are, you just need to have the crotch of the suit narrowed a little, and your lips will sit snug as a bug in a rug. 

Option 2: The Cuchini

My beauty queen consultant swears by it, and now so do I. It's flesh colored and padded to smooth out that area, and can be held in place using adhesive. Going for a swim? Make sure to find some waterproof garment tape to hold it in place, and test it on an area nobody's going to see first. You're welcome.

Option 3: The Big Band-Aid

You're out at the beach, or the pool, or a hotel, or a cruise, or a yoga class with with a hot Fabio and you realize for the first time today that you've got some major camel toe going on. "Beyonce almighty!" you think to yourself (unless you're me, in which case you probably shout it). Find the nearest convenience store or lifeguard if you're really feeling bold, and get your grubby little hands on a big ol' bandaid. Put it on hotdog, not hamburger, from front to back and VOILA. Camel toe be gone!

 

Here are the Swimwear Trends of 2016, You're Welcome.

Swimwear season is around the corner, and your resident expert fashionista has sought long and hard to find the best of this year's trends! It's an exciting year for the swimsuit, for sure. Here are the Top 5 Trends of 2016!

1. Lingerie-Inspired Swimwear.

I am so excited for this trend, you cannot even imagine. From delicate, balconette-cut tops to lacy teddy-inspired one pieces, this trend is going to leave you feeling like a goddamn sex queen. Which you are, obvs. Here are Fab Fucking Female's faves:

3. Sexy/Weird Suntan-Leaving Straps and Cutouts

What else are you supposed to call this swimsuit genre? "Cutouts" and "strappy" aren't all-encompassing enough, and these will absolutely leave some bizarro tan lines if you don't properly lather yourself in sunscreen. Those tan lines will be worth it, tho.

5. High-Cut Bikini Bottoms 

Throwback to the good ol' Baywatch days! We finally, as a society, have come back to our senses and realized just how smokin' these swimsuits are. Whether you're rocking this look as a bikini or a one piece, you're bound to turn heads. And drop jaws. And spill drinks. We warned you.